20 Years of Conflict: Some Self-realizations

I’m only 20 years old. But to me, I’m already 20 years old. While people of my age, and even those younger than me, have been in several relationships, I’ve been into none which I would really call a legit relationship. I may have been enjoying my life as of the moment, being blessed to be given avenues to write and dance and to be publicly known in these areas but at certain points, I still feel that there’s a part of me that’s missing.

My friends would tell me to wait for the right time, for the right person. But I don’t know what’s been driving me to speed things up when even I, myself, knows that it’s still not the right time to commit to someone because I still have other priorities that need immediate attention. And that I haven’t yet met the right person that can sweep me off my feet, will respect my independence, and at the same time make me feel assured to be attached.

I believe that we are all destined to have our moments in life; those moments where you feel that the universe has really conspired for you to arrive in that moment of euphoria and satisfaction. I may have felt it several times now, but never in terms of romance. I’ve been really unlucky. And for someone like me who believes that there is one person meant for everybody, I’ve been trying to shortcut things, hitting on every single person who seems available.

I know it’s both stupid and ridiculous to mess up with the way things work, especially when they are already working in my favor, but I feel like it’s really my mechanism to look for romance in compensation for the times I’ve felt sad and alone. I always trace back these longings for romance to my childhood, when I was never given the intimacy of family growing up. Therefore, I seek for romance and intimacy in other people now that I’m already grown up.

A sensible conversation with a high school teacher reminded me that I am really lucky, where I am right now, what I have in my life as of the moment. She understands where these longings come from and acknowledge that it’s the part of me that will make the equation balance: we can never really have it all.

In the course of 20 years, I’ve learned that every man who’ve been part of the series of heartbreaks that I have is a lesson. For now, I’m still in dilemma, hoping to keep the conflicts at bay and just enjoy my moments.

But the one thing that I am again reminded today is that the iportant thing in life is to know that you are happy, whatever path you take, regardless of how people perceive your version of happiness.

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