“For I’ve always believed that every fuck has a heart.”
Yes. And this idea has led me to write my zine, Merla Diaries. This project is a personal one. I haven’t really thought of this in the past. It was only weeks earlier when the idea came up. I gave it a go-go when I saw its potential. And during the creative process of the zine, I realized a few things.
First, that I am an artist. Although this is self-proclaimed and this is hardly legitimized yet, I know I’m going that road. I realize that claiming you are an artist takes time, a lot of hard work, and sacrifices. It starts with the discovery/learning of your skill or talent. Then the honing of it. The exposure to the public to gain an audience. The compromises you have to do along the way which will then lead to an epiphany that it takes more than just skill or talent to be an artist. It will demand your sleeping time; it will demand you to wake up and jot down lines in the middle of the night because the idea just won’t let you sleep until its written down. It will cost you a quiet life because the thoughts and ideas just can’t be kept at bay and when you attempt to express them you can’t seem to find the right words or stroke or step to convey the sensation. It is there, floating and it’s trying to say something. You feel and understand its message but sometimes we, artists, fail to channel the idea with justice. But I think it’s normal.
Second, the creative process is complicated and, sometimes, draining. I feel like there are three entities in the creative process: the idea, the artist, and the execution. These three must connect and understand each other. And the role of the artist is very crucial to the execution of the idea, the personification of it, for what is a great idea if it stays one. Unfortunately, there are times when I feel distant from my words and writings. That’s how I know whether I failed a poem or not.
Third, I realized that I should wear my entire identity like an armor. I have to expose it so it won’t be used against me, rather I can use it to my advantage. Merla Diaries is about the story of sexual encounters. Although sex and intimacy are two different things, sometimes, somehow, they meet. And the stories conceived in these experiences fascinate me, for they tell the romantic side of eroticism.
The explicit thoughts and encounters that I constantly conceal from the public have now found themselves in a collection of poems and prose. And I am proud of the work, even prouder to think that I have discovered how to turn something that I used to see as dark and destructive into pieces of art that will affect others as well.
Here is to more Merla Diaries and to appreciating the beauty of everything! Everything.