A Letter from My July 2016 Self to Me Right Now

Dear October 31, 2016,

I understand. When one is madly in love, petals fall to the ground when he smiles at you. Sparks burst in mid-air and everything, but you two, stop in time as if the whole world halts for a minute to listen to you two converse. But it wasn’t actually a conversation so much as him talking to your eternally smiling face, containing the bliss and excitement. Everything is red and yellow and romantic. It’s all about kisses, hands held, the anticipation for the next stolen glance you’d commit without being caught, the attention, the satisfying feeling of making someone feel special, that certain pinch in your heart when he recognizes and appreciates your affection. It’s very much like that, right? That you almost forgot to ask him if he also loves you, if he feels the same way. The mere thought of confessing makes you wanna break down thinking that your entire happiness is thinned down to a matter of Yes or No.

No? No. You actually broke down when he said that – that night when you’re all fired up with alcohol and adrenaline rush. But you can’t say you were blindsided. You can’t say you did not see this coming. You realized all the sweet romance has been blurring those times when he seen-zoned you, did not reply to your chat or messages, lets others eat the cupcakes you gave him, the fading enthusiasm in his eyes when he sees you almost every day, and his neutral replies to your sweet messages that took you five friends, one sleepless night, and a ton of your pride and courage to compose and send. You almost did not see these. But you did.

So you had to move on.

It took you months and months of resisting to check his Twitter and Facebook account; few hours of sleep every night because you had to spare an hour crying; you had to tell your friends to stop mentioning his name because it just brings back memories. I understand you worked hard to be in a state where you can say his name with humor, or use the past as reference to a joke, or even check his Twitter account and feel almost nothing. A state where you’re living life recognizing a past heartbreak and yet still able to wake up every morning and laugh and drink and smoke and sleep properly thinking it is all over. You were okay. Totally okay without him.

And then here he comes back, out of nowhere. Knocking in your life, waving for you to see him. Of course, you are struck by the moment. Who wouldn’t be? And not just struck. But confused.

Why is he back?

And suddenly, all too suddenly, the strings you’ve worked to cut off for months come flying back in all directions, gripping you tight. Tighter to remind you they had never actually left you and now that they’re back from being suppressed for months, they will stay on the surface for a while until you cut them off again. For good.

Out of confusion, your hope is stirred. You think, maybe this time this might be it – the romance you’ve been looking for since then. Out of confusion, you start thinking, you’re one step closer to actually having the relationship you want. But out of confusion, you’ve mistaken a friendly gesture for a chance to be loved.

It wasn’t special, when he passed by you and said hi. And it wasn’t your fault that out of confusion, out of the ecstatic feeling of being loved back, out of the romantic idea that second chance proved sweeter, you thought of tearing down your walls and exposing your most vulnerable state to the personification of Risk. You thought he was walking towards your life and so you pulled him closer. Turns out he wasn’t going that way. It was just a hi. Or a text message, a nod, a smile, a tweet. It could be anything. And no matter what it is, he’s not staying forever. He was just wanna pass by.

A simple gesture that killed you the second time. A bullet from the same gun. You’re dead again, lying on the same spot where you used to be four months ago. You started hating yourself for being too weak to be deceived. You started blaming him for thinking he can just do something to stir your hopes up and leave you broken.

And for the second time around, you have to move on. It is painful. It is hard. But remember, four months ago today, we decided to do the same. And until just recently, we succeeded. It is more excruciating but easier this time. Because you have to let go of everything you’ve been holding on to and holding you back for the last four months. Everything. Unlike four months ago, when we said we’ve had enough pain and rejection from him, you know exactly where you’re heading right now. I believe we can do this, just how we did it with our past heartbreaks. We will make people proud. We will make ourself proud.

So cry away, little one; write poetry, get drunk, spill stories, let loose of everything you have. There is no turning back. Even Million Reasons on loop can’t help you now. Because this time, you have to promise yourself, it’s gonna be for good.

Love ❤ ,

July 1, 2016

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