Concerning Hobbits: A Speech about the Hobbits of Shire (in First Person)

Hello folks! What a beautiful day indeed to have a little conversation, eh? I was asked to talk about us, Hobbits, since Elijah Wood and Martin Freeman already made us quite known to the race of Men and left the stereotypes of us as the burglars or as cute, little ring bearers. I say, you still have a lot of things to know about us, Hobbits, which you cannot actually learn by merely watching the Peter Jackson masterpieces.

According to the documents collected by the Elves, the race of Hobbits began to be known in the Elder Days. Their first knowledge about this new discovered existence is that the creatures are at least two feet and at most four feet high, making them even shorter than dwarves. However, compared to gem-freak dwarves, Hobbits are less aggressive, less overweight and less strong-looking.

Our first ancestors used to dwell in the upper vales of Anduin, between the eaves of Greenwood the Great and the Misty Mountains but they crossed the mountain because your race multiplied so fast, it left the Hobbits wondering why Men are always in hurry to reproduce. Eventually, the small folks decided to go and leave the area for the consumption of Men. Others say, the reason was actually the darkness which fell upon the wilderness of Mirkwood, which if you’ve watched the movie, you’d know what.

Or not, because you’re really not that attentive.

But do you know that the race of Hobbits is relatively nearer to the race of Men than to Dwarves and Elves? Aye. We are not aware but who knew, we could be siblings, or cousins, or lovers. Or you can be my great-great grandfather, who’ve wandered the fields of Shire one afternoon and never came back. It’s possible that we are related and we just don’t know it. Even the manner of your writing, which you learned from Elves, was adapted by Hobbits along with your language, the Common Speech or the Westron. Furthermore, what you like or dislike are usually the same as to us, Hobbits, such as our huge inclinations toward drinking, merry-making and eating to every chance we get.

Unfortunately, the connection between Men and Hobbits were not discovered. It’s still a mystery, just like the disappearance of Amelia Earheart or how mermaids really copulate and give birth.   But, what’s even more unfortunate is that, eventually, Hobbits grew anxious of the existence of Men and started distancing themselves from them. That’s the very reason why nowadays Hobbit-sightings are extremely rare, if not non-existent, and you’re so lucky to have seen me today. Hobbits hid from Men, that’s why Men assumed that we have magical powers to vanish.

No. We’ve just gone used to it and of our deep relation to nature that we are able to disappear instantly when we see the ‘Big Folk’, or what we fancily call your race.

So what are hobbits really?

We are said to have good-natured faces rather than beautiful ones, as you can see, which is because we love merry-making a lot. We would dance all night to the best songs ever and sing like a pro. We just love laughing and having the good times of our lives once we get the chance to, like birthdays, weddings or after long exams. We can eat six times a day if we can and we love to wear bright colors like green and yellow, only that I don’t right now.

We don’t wear shoes, see? It’s because our feet are hairy and have thick, leathery soles, so why bother wear shoes? Consequently, the least practiced work in the Shire is shoe-making. It’s like the Barefoot Capital of Middle-Earth and Imelda Marcos is banned in there.

But to compensate our feet, our hands are really good… in making comely things, and a good example of that claim would the intricate designs in our homes. The carvings, the tapestries, and yes, our gardens.

Ever had something you’ve not used for years but you don’t want to throw it away? No, I’m not referring to past relationships and repressed feelings. I’m talking about actual things! We call them mathoms and we store them to Mathom-houses.

We also love smoking pipe-weeds. It’s an art we are proud to attest our own. It is Mr. Tobold Hornblower who discovered the pipe-weed and made it a hobbit habit. Among the famous pipe-weeds are the Longbottom leaf, the Old Toby and the Southern Star. You know what I think? I think that your cigarettes came from our pipe-weeds. Only that you get addicted to it, we don’t.

You know what they say, old habits die hard. I say, all hobbits die hard.

You see, we are tough than what we seem like. Our fury towards those who shall disturb peace in the Shire can drive us to be warriors. We have keen eyesight which makes us good archers, and critics. And we used to like elves, but they’re too mysterious and too proud of their race they don’t involve others anymore. So we chose to keep our race just within the boundaries of the Shire and lived without minding the business outside it.

Now, there are three classifications of hobbits.

The Harfoots, which prefer to live in highlands and hillsides, are browner in skin, beardless, shorter and smaller. They had something to do with dwarves in history, they are more to stay in one place and preserve the culture of living in holes and tunnels and the most numerous of all hobbits.

Then we have the Fallohides which are fairer in skin and hair, taller and slimmer than the others. They love trees and woodlands and are the least amongst us. They are friendlier towards elves; they are more into songs than handicrafts and are born leaders. Common example would be Uncle Bilbo and Frodo.

And finally, the Stoors which are broader and heavier and prefers flatlands and riversides. They are less shy of Men.

I assume you’re all familiar with my uncle Bilbo and my cousins, Frodo, Pippin, Merry and master Samwise, right? I mean, they are the famous hobbits I assume people know. Anyways, I’ll now be talking about our place, the beautiful Shire where we found comfort after crossing the Misty Mountains.

The Shire was founded when two hobbit brothers, Marcho and Blanco, asked the permission of the king of Fornost to own the forty leagues span of land within the Brandywine River and the Far Downs. They called it Shire in honor of their first Thain, or what they call their chieftain and from then on, created their own calendar called the Shire Reckoning. The first year is the crossing of the Brandywine River by the brothers.

The Shire is divided into four farthings: the North, East, West and South. Each farthing has three Shirriffs, endowing the Shire with 12 Shirriffs all in all. Because we, hobbits, are a very peace-loving race, these Shirriffs are more concerned on stray beasts than us. And no government really exists in the Shire; only our Mayor who, no, not corrupt and power-greedy such as yours, acts both as the messenger and the watchman of the place.

In Shire, we don’t have mansions. We don’t have castles or palaces or malls. But we do have Smials. Only the rich and the poor are allowed to build such. The middle-class is expected to build houses on the ground, not beneath it. The rich’s smials are usually long and low but capable of accommodating the whole clan. You see, in the Shire, families live together in one Smial. For example, the Great Smial of the Tooks, Brandybuck’s Brandy Hall and the famous Bag End.

Uncle Bilbo used to quote Lady Galadriel, you know, the beautiful woman clad in white and is Macoy’s ancestor. “Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.” Hobbits used to be nothing but mere creatures on Middle-Earth. But Uncle Bilbo, Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry prove to us that everyone is capable of change. Everyone.

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